Alana Clare Yancey

 Dear Alana,

    I have watched you grow since you were born. I was only 16 years old. I had no clue what to do with a baby at my age. I wanted to finish High School. I wanted to go on in my life. I was already living with a terrible secret that I held inside for a very long time. I tell about it in this letter.

    On October 1, 1993 it was my younger brothers birthday. We did what we did for our birthdays every year and went out to his favorite restaurant. If you ask me where this was, I cannot remember. I can not remember a lot from this night. I have pushed it from my mind. I have been told what happened. I will tell you what I was told. After we finished dinner, I asked if I could go and hang out with my friends at the arcade. Earlier this week, I started going out with Wayne Eagle Speaker. He had long hair and a braid. He was in my homeroom in Grade 7. He sat in front of me. Earlier this week, I skipped out of my afternoon classes. I was with Caroline First Charger and Kelly Wasacase at Rainbows Arcade playing pool. He was hanging out with them. I didn't know he was a runaway. As I would be this very night. 

    The choice I should have made was to go home and spend time with my family. After this night, things were never the same again. I was never the same. My innocence was stolen from me very quickly. 

    When I got dropped off at Rainbows, I saw Wayne. He was with Sherry Hopkins and Mus Wasacase. They were all drinking. Sherry was a lot older than us. She was 16 years old and had a car. Wayne asked if I wanted to go for a ride with them. I said yes. They gave me a shit mix. A cup full of different alcohols. It was disgusting. We were driving around and drinking. My parents said they would be at the arcade to pick me up at 9pm. I didn't want to look stupid and tell them to drop me off. I just didn't go back, We had come to this guy's home, Barney Big Smoke. He was a lot older than us.

    I lost my virginity this night. I had tried to not lose my virginity for as long as I could. I just didn't feel right. It felt like everyone was NOT a virgin. I felt different towards Wayne though. I knew him. He wasn't someone that went around bragging about who he was with. He was real quiet in school. I remember. I used to ask him questions when he showed up at school. He was real sweet when we hanging out tonight. I remember Barney came in when we were downstairs. Wayne told him to go away. What happens next is what Wayne told me. 

    We went upstairs and was drinking more. The last thing I remember is being outside in the back of the house and Wayne was all beat up. There was Barney and James outside with him. Wayne said he would come back for me and if James could watch me. He said yes. After Wayne left, Barney kept trying to be with me. I don't remember. I can't remember. I only remember the next day.

    I talked to Wayne last year and he told me what happened. 

The photos are in my google account. 

    Wayne said that guys were coming and I was set up to be gang raped. What I said last year, I do not even remember. It said Barney wouldn't let me go. Wayne was picked up by his uncle and the next week he was sent to Spokane, WA. He lives in Warm Springs, Oregon now. 

    The day after I woke up and was hungover. I left with James Gurney,. As we were walking, he wanted to have sex with me in the sidewalk. I don't know. I felt like a zombie. I had no care in the World. I have to go with what Wayne said and say I was gang raped at 14. 

    That evening, we went to Chasity Heavy Runner's home. They were drinking Black Velvet. We started drinking with them. They lived on the West side It seemed this is what they did all the time. When I hit my 20's, this is what I did. I walked the BBC's looking for a party. I came to that evening in the bath tub. I had puke in my hair. I had some ones pants on. They say Terrah was jumping on me like a trampoline. I puked all over myself. 

    I was with a Bobby Holy Singer the next minute. The next day, my mom had found me. My dad wanted to kick me out. His solution was always to kick us out. My mom said that they could not kick out a 14 year old. I honestly did not care. I lost a lot of myself that weekend. I never really gained it back until NOW. 

    I know I was a walking zombie the months after this. I just didn't care anymore. I went to class because I didn't want to be around anyone. A friend Lainee moved in with in November. She ended up leaving in December. Julia then moved into our home. She was staying at Jina's. Jina got kicked out in December. Everyone was getting kicked out of their parents home. Julia left one day and never came back. This happened with Lainee also. 

    December is when I met your dad and I got pregnant with you. There was nothing special. I was young. I was dumb. I took off yet again. I called my mom to pick me up at 7pm in the South side at Bradley Eagle Bears home. It was on Scenic Dr. Your dad started talking and he was mean to me afterwards. I did meet his mom and dad. He brought me there the week after. We just quit talking after awhile. Then I met D.J. Bearhat.

    My teenage years are a blur. I am sorry. I was drinking every weekend. I was smoking weed as well. When I thought I was pregnant, I didn't drink or do drugs. 

    Our family is adoption. I felt you would have a better life being raised in a different home. I watch my friends raise young children when they weren't ready. I see these children now.. I am sorry if you ever felt I did not want you. I am 42 years old and I only just grew up. I have been in my addictions since I was 14 years old. My other children have not had the easiest life. I had to make a choice to give your brother J Junior up for adoption. Arthur was adopted after he was 7 months. He was in foster care until they could move him to the U.S. 

    I have been caught up in my trauma for 30 years now. You are 27 years old with your child. I wanted to heal what I could so this is not passed down through the children I do have. 

    I am proud of you for many things. You dodged a life of poverty, abuse, molestation, addiction and homelessness. I felt very honored to attend your Native Graduation. I know at the time it did not mean a lot to you. I felt the same way. I have watched so many of my family and friends drop out of High School. I was raised to see as education as a MANDATORY thing. This was not the same for my own parents or siblings. Your brother Chayton has not graduated from High School. He is so smart though. 

    There was a girl at your graduation that you said was mean to you. She was dressed up in a fancy dress. You said her parents were pan handlers down town. On this day, I realized that the choice giving you up was a good choice. This is not an out of the ordinary story in our Culture. It is all too common. This girl could not finish regular school because she got pregnant at a young age. She was older and graduating. When I was 14 years old, I chose to hang out with my own people. This choice also caused a sequence of events. I did acquire a hate towards white people. I left Lethbridge after graduation with a big hatred to whites because of the racism I had encountered in my teenage years. The young girl that was mean to you was jealous of you. 

    You don't talk to me, but hopefully this reaches you one day. 

    I have learnt to accept my children's choices when they do not want to talk to me. 

    I lived. I loved. I healed. 

    I love you always. I have seen pictures of my grandson. In another life, I would have been a great grandma. I don't think I will in this life time. I have my own child who I have been with since birth. He is the age of a grandchild. His siblings helped raised him. He was my savior. He saved me from a very dark place. 

When I Am Gone

 Death.

What I have learned about living in this World is that death is inevitable. It will come sooner, rather than later for many of us. I have spent my life writing. I will leave what I have in this Blogger file. 

I am not of this human. I am a soul experiencing life through a human body. 

Our soul is free to leave when it wants. It is here to learn. It is here to live. It is here to experience.

When I woke in May 2019, the experience was unreal. I was sitting in my tent in Lafayette Park. I was high on meth. I didn't know where Marvin was. All of the sudden, I could hear everyone talking from their tents, They do say a good Awakening comes from lack of sleep, lack of food and solitude. 

I have met so many people. I have loved so many people. I cherish all of those that I have met. 

I will leave a note to each of children.

Jason Big Sorrel Horse

I don’t know you personally. 

Two days after my daughter Mahealani was born, her father was arrested for a crime that he did not commit. 

He would fight this charge for 14 months. I will tell you how I handled this information. 

Everything in my life with J seemed to go bad. We had bad luck. When I met J, he was selling cocaine at the gay bars. I found out I was pregnant a month after we became a couple. Our relationship was going down a very dark path. 

I forgive the kids father J Zachariah Redwood. He is also known as Darcy Robert Sinclair. I say his two names because it is part of my story. 

When I met J at my best friends house. He told me “your going to give me my first baby girl.” I was 20 years old and a party girl. I said “ok”. I did not realize that I speak truth. What I say is truth. I do have to watch what I say. 

I found out I was pregnant on February 14, 2001. J was living with me at my Nana’s. We had actually broke up the weekend before. I went out to the Club and met Ralph. This guy was ready to step in and be my man. He drove me around Calgary gathering up my clothes and stuff. He dropped me off at my Nana’s and said he would call me. 

I was working in a Utility call center. On my lunch, I went to go get a pregnancy test. I remember on February 14, 2001 the nurse called while I was at work. When I got home from work, Ralph called and wanted to e put for Valentines Day. I had to decline his invitation. 

I called J at his ex baby momma’s moms house. I told him I was pregnant. He gathered his stuff and came back to my Nana’s house. I was a hardcore party girl. I drank at the clubs every week. I would go with J and work with him. We have many mini stories. J was my other half. He truly is. Our lives are a mirror. Somehow I ended up on this side of the mirror. I am meeting a lot of me’s. My childhood was not tragic. My parents were not alcoholics. I was not abandoned for weeks. I was not molested or abused by my family that adopted me. 

Our first child was my son Chayton J. He was born in Seattle, Washington. After finding out I was pregnant, I asked J to stop dealing his drugs. This is when he started to find jobs in the restaurants. He also went to security school. I am not too sure how he could be a secret guard with his criminal record. It came true when J had to apply for the licenses. He had also cheated on me. He would be gone for days. 

The month I found out I was pregnant, I was offered a job at the Canada Revenue Agency. Back then it was Revenue Canada. I was going to be answering the phones in their call center. They were offering $40,000 annual salary. I accepted. I was hoped on full time. I was allowed maternity benefits. A year with top up payments for a year. 

In August, I waited for J and I told him if he leaves again, then I will move away. He took off that weekend again. My mom drove up from Washington State to pick me up. I couldn’t sleep. I was so sad. I did not want to stay in a relationship with someone that sneaks around behind my back. People said he was with a girl Alicia Smith. 

9/11 happened when I was there. Seattle was shut down. I read on a website that this day was when Blue Rays became extinct. 

Random picture

I have not wrote for awhile. 

I am going to be using this blog more. 

My thoughts are a lot. I am trying to collect them and write my book. I keep finding things that I think YES. 

Okay so this picture is of me and my grandfather Yancey. I love and miss him so much. I hate to think that I caused such a sad World that does not value family. I am really trying to heal past wounds. I did so much to so many people. 

I try to think back to those days. 

I feel like I am not in the World that I am from. This journey is confusing. I feel in my heart I have to go back home to Siksika. I miss my family and I left a lot of pieces of myself back home. I feel like I am moving forward without my family. 

 

it never ends

so i am back.

baby is awesome. she has improved. now i deal with my oldest son.

i worry but i am scared he will head towards the life i used to live. a life like his father.

the social workers are trying to get an international worker to help us.

I'm missing work. my goal is to work but try to still be a good Momma to my kids.

Announcements to the Kids

Well, Friday night I made my exciting news to my kids. I was nervous telling them. You worry about how they will react. Someone replacing their own father. Who by the way has made NO effort to be in their lives or even acknowledging their existence. So we packed up their weekend bags and drove the van home. Before everyone settled in to their normal routines to settle down for the night, I gathered them in the living room. I said I had something to tell them. I told them I was getting married. My son rolled around on the bed. My daughters said "really?" and they all stopped and said "wait to who?"...I said "remember the tall guy who came over a few months ago?" and they all smiled. They said "YAY! is he going to be our new dad?" and I smiled. My son was happy because Edward was his "facebook" friend. It was a good idea for him to friend my son. My daughter A says she misses him. I let them know we are looking for a house for us. They asked me where Nana and Grandpa were going? I explained to him that nothing is changing. They still have weekend visits and still live with my parents. Even so, my kids were  ssuper excited. My son looks forward to playing against Edward on XBo360. This news could not be any better. It really made my heart all warm. It put a big smile on my fiances face as well. He really hoped the kids would be excited. He is so ready to step up to be their father.

Sunday is gonna suck!

Well my baby is going to the hospital for a lil while. I just feel terrible I am letting my parents do this. I know my daughter is  danger to my other children. Lemme say my other two children MJ and CJ have overcome so much since June 2008. They have not lived in fear since moving to Washington.

I hope my daughter knows I love her, but its going to be weird not seeing my baby. I am really just speechless and hope this changes her for the best.

I don't live with her so I don't see what my parents do. My son is an emotional wreck and to the point of crying whenever she speaks. He see's her for who she is and how she tells both MJ and CJ that she is going to kill them in their sleep. She will hold up a belt or a string. I agree with my parents that we need to find out what is wrong with her. I pray that she will be okay.

I waited so long for her to move down. She is one way to adults, but another way with other kids. She spit in MJ's friends face and she threw a jagged rock at my sons friends head. She held up a razor to my other kids. My son had a mop and had MJ behind him until my mom came home.

My mom says she hears A and T (my cousin who hid her from me for a year and half) in her head. A is an awful awful woman and tried to raise my baby as her own. Out of spite for my birth mother. My baby thought MJ and CJ were her cousins. A could not make my baby forget who I am. She would fight anyone who told my baby otherwise.

Now I go .... this hurts me as I write it down in here ... realizing these are not typical acts of a 7 year old ... i keep thinking "The Good Son" and that is hard to accept ....