Acceptance

So the man i had children with has some issues. His mom attempted to murder him at 9 months. She murdered his father. This should have been a red flag. I was young not realizing this can be genetic.

My 7 yr old has threatened the lives of my 9 and 11 year old. Shes been seeing a psychiatrist who says she needs to be out of the house. For the safety of everyone. My baby could ultimely revert my kids back to how they were after living with their dad.

I know i am not giving up on her, but helping her.

I dont know what my cousin did, but their voices consume my daughter she says. It hurts how my choices affect my baby. Would this have still happened regardless?

I am at a breaking point wondering why? I lost her once but i pray i do not lose her again. She deservez to be near her mommy.

I'M aWaKe!!!

So its Friday night. I picked up my Baby A, MJ and CJ... just one night...my son who's 11 years old steps out of the van....then sticks his head back in the van and tells me "Mom it smells like weed over there".... well no lies, the neighbors all smoke weed around here...no biggie. I ask my son "WTF? how do you know what weed smells like?" and he says his friends dad smokes weed. Okay this is a friend from 2 years ago. This kid got my son smoking cigarettes and they broke into a garage and smashed this guys light bulbs. We avoided any charges by cleaning up the mess the 8, 9 and 6 year old did. They dragged a boy from my daughters class with them. We were not happy. A week after my son cut ties with this boy and a week later this kid was suspended from school for bringing in a weapon.

Okay so now I am just getting used to American ways and the use of firearms and such.

Well my baby is waiting to play the laptop so I am going to give it to her. Before she smashes her head into the wall.......night night....

Where's the instructions?

I love my children. Tomorrow they come. I am blogging this from my phone. .........

I have 6 children. 3 of them that come and stay with me on the weekends.... so I will introduce them one by one... it could be lengthy.

CJ is the oldest son and he stays with me on the weekends. He lives with my parents, Nana and Grandpa. He has been a very active child since he was born. Actually he was born 3 weeks early and slept for his first 3 months into the world. He's super intelligent, but you'd never know by the grades he brings home. It's getting what is in his head out onto paper. A year ago he was diagnosed with ADD and ODD. Attention Deficit Disorder and Oppositional Definace Disorder. He also takes anti depressants. He has a mean temper and when he is mad, their is no stopping him. Since his younger sister A moved down a year ago, he's been a lot better.

Next is MJ, and she is my middle daughter. She has been with me since the start. Her dad went to jail shortly after I had her. Well, 3 days after I had her. Trying to get custody of his son backfired on him. He should have known, but whatever. When she moved down in June 2008, she was quiet and shy. She also lives with my parents, her Nana and Grandpa. As a baby and toddler, she was not shy at all. She would talk up a storm with anyone. I shared a room with her when I moved to the State in August 2008. My roommate a 5 year old at that time. Now she is 9 years old. She will be turning 10 in February. I never had issues with her. She still sucks her thumb though and it calms her when she is feeling stress. She also has ADHD and takes medicine for this.

The baby. I will call her baby A. She just moved down to the US in November 2011. My parents went up to get her. Everything was fine when she did move down. She seemed okay and it was as if she was here all along. Now a year later, she has been defiant and threatening the other two kids. Sibling Rivalry is what everyone says, but I don't know. My mom says its Conduct Disorder. I read about it and it explains her, but I am still in denial. She is my baby. I feel partly responsible for her behavior to this day. Their father too, but I don't even think he cares for his own children. He never asks about them. Its always about me. What am I doing? Whats wrong? So my baby tells people what they want to hear and not the truth. I know this and everyone knows this. She doesn't want to get into trouble. She is 7 years old, but she is smart and I am thankful she does not have ADD or ADHD. She is depressed though.

The next three are given up for adoption. I felt they should have a better life and better chances than what their fathers and I could not give them. I love my kids all the same. They have their own little unique personality that I love.

My oldest daughter is 18 years old. I am a 33 year old mother to an 18 year old. I am happy to say she has not been pregnant, she graduated High School on time and she is the normal fun loving teenager you hope for. She did not have a history of running away or being defiant. Her mom explains my girl as easy going and a little shy with new people. I will call her AC, the name I gave her when she was born. Her parents changed her name and kept her first name as her middle name. I was only 15 when I had her. I was not with the father and nor were we in a steady relationship. Just one night and the biggest mistake of my life. i got in trouble for calling my parents at 9:30p to pick me up. Never spoke to her dad again except when he facebook messaged me a couple years ago to add our daughter. Extra drama I did not need. His current wife getting all jealous and had her sister in law delete me. How childish is that? We were kids and its not like I was head over heels in love. Insecurity. It seems a lot of women are insecure when it comes to me speaking to their man. I'm not a homewrecker lol Anyways, my girl wanted to know who her dad was. She felt a half of her was missing. Now she knows and I truthfully do not know how she feels. I am happy he asked for my permission though. He has mad respect for myself and for Paige. Out of all the kids, her father is well off. He is sober, he runs his own business and he is married to his Junior High Sweetie with 5 children. My daughter is lucky to have that and I hope she is grateful that he wants to be in her life as more than a sperm donor. As far as I can see, she has it good.

I have two young lil boys, JJ and JA and they are adopted by the same couple. JJ is 6 years old and JA is 5 years old. I raised JJ in his first year. I could not have my parents take on 4 children. So I made the choice for adoption. JJ moved down in 2010 and he has adjusted well. He considers himself a princess. He likes to wear princess dresses and play with princess dolls. Who am I to judge? His dad was a lil kind of like him. He is the sweetest lil man you'd ever meet. His big brown eyes and the way he smiles at you. I always loved laying with him when he was a baby. I wish I had provided more for him. I see him from time to tim and I went to his last birthday. I am busy with my life and I know his fathers are busy with theirs. Yes, I said Fathers. He lives with a gay couple. I am glad I was able to give them children to call their own. I don't want to overstep my boundaries. It be nice to see them more often, but not right now. JJ is in grade 1 this year.

JA has lived with his dad's since he was 7 months old. Right from birth I knew I was giving him up for adoption. I did not want regular visits like with the rest of the children. I think mostly for their father. He grew attached to the kids and he doesn't realize how much time and effort goes into raising kids. JA is a serious lil man. He does silly things without cracking a smile. He knows he is a funny guy though. I am not super close to him. He is a daddys boy and I am prefectly fine with that. I am happy he has created such a strong bond with his fathers.

Well those are ALL of my children. Each unique in their own little way. They all say the silliest stuff at times. This is where I will rant on about issues I have with them. We don't get along all the time. Its hard for me to not have them in my care. Although I wish I did. I know one day, with the help of my future husband, that we can create a home for my children. Children need their MoMs!